trainerlyra | life and death (Reply)

date written: nov 27th, 2015

ship: alain/mairin (pokeani)

notes: this is part of a series of shortish oneshots that mostly go in place somewhere after TSME and during XY&Z. it was written while everything was airing of course. the series mostly revolves around alan & serena ending up traveling together for a short time. their relationship is a large part of the series, but the endgame ships are marisson, poke, and geekchic. i'll slowly post these in order and fix them up once they're all posted, and eventually i'll port them all to ao3 (and link that here, too). these interconnected drabbles were also written very out of order, so the dates written might look strange

other notes: these oneshots were also all based on prompts to tell the story. this prompt was "i wish i could hate you".

He hadn’t meant for her to see him.

Alain was just checking up on her, after his visit to Lysandre’s office to get his mission briefing. He had just wanted to see how she was doing - not speak to her, or even have her see him for that matter - and then slip out, back to working on finding a cure for Chespie. He had really never meant for her to see him.

Mairin broke when she spotted him. She hadn’t been crying much today, which was a good thing, but Alain often made the mistake of getting too close. As of last time, he was content to just listen from closed doors and behind walls, hearing her speak to Chespie in soft tones while he… slept. He didn’t want to risk anything; from another massive breakdown to anything in between, Alain knew he couldn’t refuse her anything in the state she was in. Not that she would ask anything of him, he knew, after last time.

Today, however, he had wanted to be selfish. Needed to be selfish. Alain needed to see how she was doing, how she looked. Had she been taking care of herself? Had she been eating? He needed to know. He missed the red of her hair and the greens of her outfit. He missed the way her eyes lit up when he challenged someone. He missed her smile, most of all.

Alain was selfish, today, and now he was paying the price.

It was easy for him to admit he was in love with her in these moments. However, Alain also knew the best way to keep her safe was to keep her away from him. And as much as it pained him, the thought of her getting hurt again was too much to bear. He had done it once, before, and despite the less than stellar results, he would do it again and again if it meant she would stay safe.

He didn’t move as she pushed herself into him. He didn’t speak as she cried out his name into his chest. He didn’t even flinch when he felt her tears sock into his shirt. He couldn’t, wouldn’t, give himself away. Last time, trying to see her had ended up hurting her so much - a harsh reminder of his initial promise to himself. That would not be repeated, this time. Alain would not let himself become emotional.

Finally, she pulled away. Alain turned around, attempting to leave as fast as he could, but…

“I wish I could hate you,” she whispered, and he could feel her eyes on his retreating back.

Freezing mid-step, Alain listened as she spoke. Mairin’s words were soft, but completely empty. It was like she had nothing left. The thought scared him.

“I wish I could hate you so badly, so that it didn’t hurt when you left.”

Just like last time, her words branded themselves into his veins. There may have been nothing behind them, this time around, but they still hurt deeply. He wanted to hate her, too, he realized. Hating Mairin would’ve made things so much easier, so simple. He wouldn’t be wasting his time collecting energy to heal her Pokemon, he wouldn’t be so desperate to see her…

There was nothing to be done about his own feelings, he realized, but he hated himself nonetheless. Her words burned in the back of his mind. All he did was cause her pain, even when he was trying desperately to help.

Alain ran.

life and death

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