weekly write up 10/6/2024
Oct. 6th, 2024 09:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
trainerlyra okay day late but what can you do i got a bit distracted yesterday so lets! get to it!
monday: i think i actually need to start writing more frequent entries as well as doing weekly write ups because i forget shit all the time now. it sucks, i never used to be this forgetful? i still have a terribly good memory for written things but not so much for my daily life. it's very irritating. i have memories dating back to before preschool but not of what i did seven days ago LMFAO. okay what did i actually do on monday. uhhh oh i had my 30 day review. it did not go WELL, but it did not go poorly which i will take. i just had a very different idea of what this job was supposed to be going in but at this point i have figured it out and she barely has had to say anything to me over the last week so. i'll count it. that's a good thing bc my GOD am i still struggling lol. a friend of mine recently just told me that she's taking FMLA because she's been having panic attacks going into work and i'm like yeah. felt. this year has been a rough one friends....
anyways, other things on monday... ah, yes my september music listening:
none of this is surprising.... 505 is STILL my most played song on spotify lmfao i don't think anything will ever dethrone it. i just listen to it SO MUCH. because its the best song ever made. anyways don't being on there is funny considering i still have not bought the answer dlc. i. have heard it watered a lot of it down so i've... been avoiding it... i will buy it! after i am finished with refantazio i think. anyway. also all time low supreme forever. what else on monday... ah yes my sleep:
this is what pokemon sleep considers an A rank sleep week for me... which i guess it's not wrong. i had no 3 hour nights! crying. someone please help this is not sustainable.
tuesday: okay this is something i remember because i was so happy about it lol:
SUBARU NENDO <3333 i love him so much i'm so excited for it. i hope we get seishirou & hokuto too. i want the whole TB crew to display!!! i know some people weren't happy about the sculpt, but i think it looks fine? i love that they included a post for that iconic art of him biting his glove off lmao goodsmile really knows what we the people want... other things for tuesday. hm. ah, i wrote. i am still struggling to finish these 5 smut fics that are all halfway done but it'll happen. i uhhh. AH, yes, okay.
i had a doctor's appointment! to touch base about the return of ever present migraines rather than just one or two a week. it was supposed to be virtual, but my doctor's audio was broken lmao so she ended up calling me which was more than fine by me. so the agreement was to bump up the amitriptyline, give me sumatriptans & zofran, and a ref to neurology, which i haven't been to since middle school when they shrugged and said yeah i have chronic migraines too bad so sad lmao. so that's cool. i'm also intensely paranoid about serotonin syndrome now because nearly all my medication have the risk and that just... keeps increasing the more we go lmao....
was there anything else tuesday. i don't think so? just writing and still failing to get kinich.
wednesday: my supervisor went on a work trip so i did not have meetings... and because i like to be caught up on everything, i had very little work, which was nice lol. full time remote is everything i have wanted it to be. i am never going to an office ever again. i think i worked in bed for quite awhile because i was not feeling great. i am still not feeling great but that's besides the point. i DID try a new recipe and it was a banger though:
whole wheat spaghetti, spinach/basil blended sauce, parmesan cheese, walnuts, and white beans! it was really really good. it also makes a FUCK TON, so excellent meal prep. this lasted us the rest of the week lol. umm what else happened. what did we do. i think we just kinda relaxed. he played squad and i'm glad he's started back on it because it will keep kyle sane through the winter........ did some writing. did some reading. god this week is so boring and such a blur lol
thursday: upsettingly it was a week with no jason. hate those weeks. makes things feel very bland. also bc it's the only guarantee i will leave the house LOL. i need to work on that... OH. YES. i think i forgot to mention. my insurance approved esketamine! which is my next attempt in a very long varied list of fixing my brain. so i set up a meeting with the hr person at my job to be like yeah.... so about scheduling these appointments...
and i will say after being burned THREE TIIMES in jobs over ADA accommodations, and i mean burned-
one job fired me because the chair i requested to use for the cash register "was too much work" to move around and therefore it wasn't a "reasonable accommodation".....
another job, the job i was at almost 4 years mind you, basically kept retaliating in various ways until i quit because i had gotten approved for FMLA after they'd overworked me (illegally, mind you, bc i was working 10+ hour days with no lunch breaks not by choice)
and then my last job that i lost in april, because my accommodations were more work from home hours and mr ceo man had just bought a second conjoined office at the building and really really wanted people to use it so again, retaliation in subtle ways until i (more or less) quit. i know they know what they were doing because even though i was quitting they gave me a month of severance pay if i agreed not to pursue legal action LOL so
anyways yeah my track record with employment and respecting accommodations has not been good! so i was apprehensive about the call but thank GOD she knew exactly what she was doing. no questions about the medical condition, no questions about the treatment, just what a flex schedule would need to look like. so that was a big sigh of relief... moving on i have been routinely doing my silly avocado eggs again which has been delightful:
i also got some cool mail:
kelp! shark vs octopus board game!!!! designed for ME SPECIFICALLY, clearly. i saw this on kickstarter sometime last year and was instantly enamored. we don't own a ton of 2 player board games and kyle gets tired of me kicking his ass in chess so i was really happy to find this. the art is BEAUTIFUL, and this is early access so to speak, it's not available at the moment. when it IS, i think i'll be picking up the expansions too. ah yes and i broke my nail in the most painful way i've done in a LONG time too:
ow! i really need to go get them done again but i'm trying to let the pinkie grow back just a bit so it'll be easier to put a tip on :' ) i hate having no nails now bc i bite them to shreds if i don't have them done. orz.
friday: verizon is shutting down my messaging app and i am SO distraught lmao i have been using it since at least 2014 when i got my first android. i was a blackberry truther until i graduated high school. the only reason i don't move back to one now is bc i have a z flip and i will literally never use another cell again. i'm obsessed with my z flip. ANYWAY, i'm so sad. i don't WANT to move to google messages : (
friday i also started duklyon clamp school defenders on behest of my bestie leo, i hadn't read it before but man was it a blast. i had way too much fun with it. also sukiyabashi/eri is so great, actually, i really enjoyed the unhinged chaos of their entire relationship lol. after work i tried to go pick up all those new prescriptions but cvs is the most evil place on earth and said my insurance was showing that there was a primary i had (incorrect) (a total lie) (i have ONE INSURANCE and i know it's working bc they wouldn't fuckin pre-authorized ESKETAMINE otherwise) so after a frustrating 45 minutes of fighting with cvs and attempting to fight with my insurance on the phone but the customer service line was closed so i was actually just crying to the RN on duty i decided to treat myself to bubble tea. i got the taro slush from the re:fantazio promo KFT is doing right now:
seisub go everywhere with me. i love them.
OH, and because it was october 4th, i finally posted the first chapter to my new shinjiro/femc fic, which finally. amazingly. brought me to 1 million words published on ao3! considering it's been done over just about 5 years i'm really kind of still in awe and shock. a decade ago i finished nanowrimo for the first time and cried through it because i didn't think i'd be able to do it. now i routinely write 50k+ a month just because... sometime around i wanna say 2017 i just decided to say that writer's block didn't exist and that i would never accomplish anything if i relied on inspiration rather than motivation and then either that year or the next i wrote 72k for nanowrimo. LOL. anyways it felt really good! to see the 1 million words!! i did all that. crazy. i think this year i will probably have almost 300k published? i'm at 140k right now and i have quite a few things to post or that i'm working on, so... its possible! forever trying to beat 2019 me who wrote 300k.
my brain was pretty fried this week though so after that i basically just read fic all night attempted to write and went to bed lol.
saturday: ahhh what a day. firstly my gift from leo finally arrived, which was very exciting:
he's the sweetest. that glasses wipe is the cutest thing i have EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, so. thank you leo lol. then i read clamp school detectives, which was also delightful. i've read a good 3/4 clamp series, but their only pre-ccs stuff i had read was tbx. idk why. i think it was probably just what was available at borders when my dad would take me every week lol (rip borders you are so missed). unfortunately i ended up getting into another one of my things. poor kyle. i put him through so much this year. sobs. but he calmed me down, and let me decide whether i needed to be alone or whether i wanted him there and i told him alone time would be good. and it was! i played genshin, still no kinich.... i played zzz and almost finished the new story stuff, lighter you are everything i wanted you to be i cannot wait to own you. uhh oh of course my daily call with my dad also but we talked for an additional like 20 minutes about baseball LOL. we're both rooting for the mets since the red sox are out. sigh.
then kyle came home, we hung out on the couch for a bit while i started man with many faces, then he went to bed at 1ish and i stayed up until. almost 5? sigh. i DID finally manage to get some real progress on some writing done so that's good... idk what else i did. read fic i think. lmao. oh wait i also did some otw volunteer tasks for a good 2 hours.
sunday: total nightmare of a day. sigh. mostly spent circling my brain and reading fic and on a forum site i really shouldn't be on when i'm depressed but do it anyway, then i had another panic attack, and then suddenly it was 1am and i was Not Good. i think this combo of meds is. not working. the way it should be lmao. or maybe it's just me. i don't know tbh! but i see my psych i thiiiink next week. or the week after. so. maybe by then i will know what to tell her. but yeah bad day. HOWEVER, i guess somewhere in there before my panic attack? i wrote 2k words taking out my own issues on subaru like god intended, so, that's cool, i guess. i have a lot more of those feelings to work through so that will probably be done before the FIVE OTHER HALF DONE FICS lmao.
but yeah my husband is a saint. i couldn't deal with me. i would not wish me upon anyone lol. especially like this. i miss a year ago when i was (more) stable. i think i must've hit myself during my panic attack which i haven't done in a few years bc i have a massive bruise on my stomach and it fucking KILLS sobs. did i even eat sunday. unsure. oh well. and i'll go into it more next journal post but kyle actually stayed home today (monday) because he was so concerned about me so woof. sorry to all his clients. i know a lot of them know i am physically (and mentally but they don't know that half) ill with chronic conditions so everyone was very nice about it but i still bad orz.
so! what have we learned. ummm i really hope esketamine fixes me. that's what we've learned. lmao.
last week's goals: well i survived, that counts
hopes for this week: (deep breath) finish a single fic. just one!
monday: i think i actually need to start writing more frequent entries as well as doing weekly write ups because i forget shit all the time now. it sucks, i never used to be this forgetful? i still have a terribly good memory for written things but not so much for my daily life. it's very irritating. i have memories dating back to before preschool but not of what i did seven days ago LMFAO. okay what did i actually do on monday. uhhh oh i had my 30 day review. it did not go WELL, but it did not go poorly which i will take. i just had a very different idea of what this job was supposed to be going in but at this point i have figured it out and she barely has had to say anything to me over the last week so. i'll count it. that's a good thing bc my GOD am i still struggling lol. a friend of mine recently just told me that she's taking FMLA because she's been having panic attacks going into work and i'm like yeah. felt. this year has been a rough one friends....
anyways, other things on monday... ah, yes my september music listening:
none of this is surprising.... 505 is STILL my most played song on spotify lmfao i don't think anything will ever dethrone it. i just listen to it SO MUCH. because its the best song ever made. anyways don't being on there is funny considering i still have not bought the answer dlc. i. have heard it watered a lot of it down so i've... been avoiding it... i will buy it! after i am finished with refantazio i think. anyway. also all time low supreme forever. what else on monday... ah yes my sleep:
this is what pokemon sleep considers an A rank sleep week for me... which i guess it's not wrong. i had no 3 hour nights! crying. someone please help this is not sustainable.
tuesday: okay this is something i remember because i was so happy about it lol:
SUBARU NENDO <3333 i love him so much i'm so excited for it. i hope we get seishirou & hokuto too. i want the whole TB crew to display!!! i know some people weren't happy about the sculpt, but i think it looks fine? i love that they included a post for that iconic art of him biting his glove off lmao goodsmile really knows what we the people want... other things for tuesday. hm. ah, i wrote. i am still struggling to finish these 5 smut fics that are all halfway done but it'll happen. i uhhh. AH, yes, okay.
i had a doctor's appointment! to touch base about the return of ever present migraines rather than just one or two a week. it was supposed to be virtual, but my doctor's audio was broken lmao so she ended up calling me which was more than fine by me. so the agreement was to bump up the amitriptyline, give me sumatriptans & zofran, and a ref to neurology, which i haven't been to since middle school when they shrugged and said yeah i have chronic migraines too bad so sad lmao. so that's cool. i'm also intensely paranoid about serotonin syndrome now because nearly all my medication have the risk and that just... keeps increasing the more we go lmao....
was there anything else tuesday. i don't think so? just writing and still failing to get kinich.
wednesday: my supervisor went on a work trip so i did not have meetings... and because i like to be caught up on everything, i had very little work, which was nice lol. full time remote is everything i have wanted it to be. i am never going to an office ever again. i think i worked in bed for quite awhile because i was not feeling great. i am still not feeling great but that's besides the point. i DID try a new recipe and it was a banger though:
whole wheat spaghetti, spinach/basil blended sauce, parmesan cheese, walnuts, and white beans! it was really really good. it also makes a FUCK TON, so excellent meal prep. this lasted us the rest of the week lol. umm what else happened. what did we do. i think we just kinda relaxed. he played squad and i'm glad he's started back on it because it will keep kyle sane through the winter........ did some writing. did some reading. god this week is so boring and such a blur lol
thursday: upsettingly it was a week with no jason. hate those weeks. makes things feel very bland. also bc it's the only guarantee i will leave the house LOL. i need to work on that... OH. YES. i think i forgot to mention. my insurance approved esketamine! which is my next attempt in a very long varied list of fixing my brain. so i set up a meeting with the hr person at my job to be like yeah.... so about scheduling these appointments...
and i will say after being burned THREE TIIMES in jobs over ADA accommodations, and i mean burned-
one job fired me because the chair i requested to use for the cash register "was too much work" to move around and therefore it wasn't a "reasonable accommodation".....
another job, the job i was at almost 4 years mind you, basically kept retaliating in various ways until i quit because i had gotten approved for FMLA after they'd overworked me (illegally, mind you, bc i was working 10+ hour days with no lunch breaks not by choice)
and then my last job that i lost in april, because my accommodations were more work from home hours and mr ceo man had just bought a second conjoined office at the building and really really wanted people to use it so again, retaliation in subtle ways until i (more or less) quit. i know they know what they were doing because even though i was quitting they gave me a month of severance pay if i agreed not to pursue legal action LOL so
anyways yeah my track record with employment and respecting accommodations has not been good! so i was apprehensive about the call but thank GOD she knew exactly what she was doing. no questions about the medical condition, no questions about the treatment, just what a flex schedule would need to look like. so that was a big sigh of relief... moving on i have been routinely doing my silly avocado eggs again which has been delightful:
i also got some cool mail:
kelp! shark vs octopus board game!!!! designed for ME SPECIFICALLY, clearly. i saw this on kickstarter sometime last year and was instantly enamored. we don't own a ton of 2 player board games and kyle gets tired of me kicking his ass in chess so i was really happy to find this. the art is BEAUTIFUL, and this is early access so to speak, it's not available at the moment. when it IS, i think i'll be picking up the expansions too. ah yes and i broke my nail in the most painful way i've done in a LONG time too:
ow! i really need to go get them done again but i'm trying to let the pinkie grow back just a bit so it'll be easier to put a tip on :' ) i hate having no nails now bc i bite them to shreds if i don't have them done. orz.
friday: verizon is shutting down my messaging app and i am SO distraught lmao i have been using it since at least 2014 when i got my first android. i was a blackberry truther until i graduated high school. the only reason i don't move back to one now is bc i have a z flip and i will literally never use another cell again. i'm obsessed with my z flip. ANYWAY, i'm so sad. i don't WANT to move to google messages : (
friday i also started duklyon clamp school defenders on behest of my bestie leo, i hadn't read it before but man was it a blast. i had way too much fun with it. also sukiyabashi/eri is so great, actually, i really enjoyed the unhinged chaos of their entire relationship lol. after work i tried to go pick up all those new prescriptions but cvs is the most evil place on earth and said my insurance was showing that there was a primary i had (incorrect) (a total lie) (i have ONE INSURANCE and i know it's working bc they wouldn't fuckin pre-authorized ESKETAMINE otherwise) so after a frustrating 45 minutes of fighting with cvs and attempting to fight with my insurance on the phone but the customer service line was closed so i was actually just crying to the RN on duty i decided to treat myself to bubble tea. i got the taro slush from the re:fantazio promo KFT is doing right now:
seisub go everywhere with me. i love them.
OH, and because it was october 4th, i finally posted the first chapter to my new shinjiro/femc fic, which finally. amazingly. brought me to 1 million words published on ao3! considering it's been done over just about 5 years i'm really kind of still in awe and shock. a decade ago i finished nanowrimo for the first time and cried through it because i didn't think i'd be able to do it. now i routinely write 50k+ a month just because... sometime around i wanna say 2017 i just decided to say that writer's block didn't exist and that i would never accomplish anything if i relied on inspiration rather than motivation and then either that year or the next i wrote 72k for nanowrimo. LOL. anyways it felt really good! to see the 1 million words!! i did all that. crazy. i think this year i will probably have almost 300k published? i'm at 140k right now and i have quite a few things to post or that i'm working on, so... its possible! forever trying to beat 2019 me who wrote 300k.
my brain was pretty fried this week though so after that i basically just read fic all night attempted to write and went to bed lol.
saturday: ahhh what a day. firstly my gift from leo finally arrived, which was very exciting:
he's the sweetest. that glasses wipe is the cutest thing i have EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, so. thank you leo lol. then i read clamp school detectives, which was also delightful. i've read a good 3/4 clamp series, but their only pre-ccs stuff i had read was tbx. idk why. i think it was probably just what was available at borders when my dad would take me every week lol (rip borders you are so missed). unfortunately i ended up getting into another one of my things. poor kyle. i put him through so much this year. sobs. but he calmed me down, and let me decide whether i needed to be alone or whether i wanted him there and i told him alone time would be good. and it was! i played genshin, still no kinich.... i played zzz and almost finished the new story stuff, lighter you are everything i wanted you to be i cannot wait to own you. uhh oh of course my daily call with my dad also but we talked for an additional like 20 minutes about baseball LOL. we're both rooting for the mets since the red sox are out. sigh.
then kyle came home, we hung out on the couch for a bit while i started man with many faces, then he went to bed at 1ish and i stayed up until. almost 5? sigh. i DID finally manage to get some real progress on some writing done so that's good... idk what else i did. read fic i think. lmao. oh wait i also did some otw volunteer tasks for a good 2 hours.
sunday: total nightmare of a day. sigh. mostly spent circling my brain and reading fic and on a forum site i really shouldn't be on when i'm depressed but do it anyway, then i had another panic attack, and then suddenly it was 1am and i was Not Good. i think this combo of meds is. not working. the way it should be lmao. or maybe it's just me. i don't know tbh! but i see my psych i thiiiink next week. or the week after. so. maybe by then i will know what to tell her. but yeah bad day. HOWEVER, i guess somewhere in there before my panic attack? i wrote 2k words taking out my own issues on subaru like god intended, so, that's cool, i guess. i have a lot more of those feelings to work through so that will probably be done before the FIVE OTHER HALF DONE FICS lmao.
but yeah my husband is a saint. i couldn't deal with me. i would not wish me upon anyone lol. especially like this. i miss a year ago when i was (more) stable. i think i must've hit myself during my panic attack which i haven't done in a few years bc i have a massive bruise on my stomach and it fucking KILLS sobs. did i even eat sunday. unsure. oh well. and i'll go into it more next journal post but kyle actually stayed home today (monday) because he was so concerned about me so woof. sorry to all his clients. i know a lot of them know i am physically (and mentally but they don't know that half) ill with chronic conditions so everyone was very nice about it but i still bad orz.
so! what have we learned. ummm i really hope esketamine fixes me. that's what we've learned. lmao.
last week's goals: well i survived, that counts
hopes for this week: (deep breath) finish a single fic. just one!
no subject
Date: 2024-10-16 06:07 am (UTC)Congrats on the 1mil words on AO3, that's so awesome! I've had my account since 2012 and I'm pretty sure I'm nooowhere near that. So that's really impressive!
I'm sorry CVS was giving you trouble with your insurance, I swear there has never been a time when using insurance for something didn't mess up somewhere and result in a hundred phone calls trying to clear things up :/// But I'm glad you were able to get your work accommodations at least!
no subject
Date: 2024-10-16 09:09 pm (UTC)Thank you so so much!! I'm still kind of in shock when I go to check my stats for something. Middle school me who had just started posting fic online would never believe it lol.
God tell me about it haha. CVS and insurance both are truly the worst. I do a lot of health insurance work in my job and somehow even knowing the other side of it doesn't help things go faster OTL