life and death

[trainerlyra]

title: life and death

date written: nov 16th, 2015

ship: alain/mairin (pokeani)

notes: this is part of a series of shortish oneshots that mostly go in place somewhere after TSME and during XY&Z. it was written while everything was airing of course. the series mostly revolves around alan & serena ending up traveling together for a short time. their relationship is a large part of the series, but the endgame ships are marisson, poke, and geekchic. i'll slowly post these in order and fix them up once they're all posted, and eventually i'll port them all to ao3 (and link that here, too). these interconnected drabbles were also written very out of order, so the dates written might look strange

other notes: these oneshots were also all based on prompts to tell the story. this prompt was "i'm sick of being useless".

“How’s the research going? Is Chespie alright?” Alain asked, his eyes frantic and wide as they shined into the Holocaster.

“No. We need more energy, Alain,” Lysandre’s grim voice replied, static in the background. It was exactly what the boy had been afraid of - the older man’s words meant there was no change, at all.

Alain cringed. “And… Mairin? Is she,” Alain felt his voice trail off. He wasn’t even sure how to phrase that question, really. Logically, he knew that she wasn’t okay, the answer to the previous question had been enough to deem that. Of course she wouldn’t be okay, yet. But so badly, Alain wished there was a change.

"She is with her Pokemon, still. She hasn't moved much."

“Can I come back to the lab? To check?” The blue eyed boy’s words were soft, eyes downcast instead of staring straight into the Holocaster. Alain hadn’t reconciled with Mairin, far from it really, but that didn’t mean he didn’t want to see her again. Despite how terribly it seemed to go every time, he couldn’t stay away. It was like some sick addiction, but he didn’t want to stop it. He wanted nothing more, some days, to be able to hold her like he did that day in Hoenn. He knew it was unrealistic - the damage had been done, and it was vast - but he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about it often.

Seeing her now meant staying out of sight. Seeing her now meant hiding behind closed doors, his ear pressed to it tightly, listening to her speak softly to her Pokemon though he couldn’t understand the words. It felt wrong, sometimes, but he knew it was for the best.

It was safer for her. Not only did Alain know that she likely wouldn’t want to see him anyway, if the last few visits were anything to go off of, but she’d only get hurt if she were with him, he knew - especially now, more than ever. Now, even Chespie wasn’t around to be her voice of reason, or protection…

Alain gulped, adam’s apple bobbing painfully.

No. He wouldn’t risk her safety.

"Yes. I'll give you an updated map of energy activity. I also have a solo project for you to do. Something that I believe will help the Pokemon," Lysandre said through the Holocaster, his voice even.

Alain’s eyes lit up at the thought. "Anything. I'll be there as soon as I can.” He hung up the Holocaster, stuffing it back into his pants pocket. A new job gave him hope, which swelled up in his chest. Anything to help Mairin, he told himself. Anything to get her smile back.

..

Alain held his breath, hearing Mairin’s broken sobs come through the door. This was torture. He knew she was doing badly before, but this… This was worse than he had ever expected. It was almost too much for him to take.

Her screams pierced his eardrums and he flinched. The movement rocked his body harder than he thought, and he took a second to steady himself. Never had Alain wanted her to feel like this, never had he wanted to see her cry like this. One time had been more than enough, for him. One time had been more than enough for him to know he wanted to protect her at all costs.

Alain was hoping her sobs would become more manageable, but they just kept going and he was stuck; paralyzed behind the wall. Moving was too hard when every noise she made made him want to die.

“I’m sick of being so useless, Chespie,” she cried, the words muffled from the door blocking the two trainers. “First Alain, and now you, and I just,” her voice broke as she sobbed again. Alain closed his eyes tightly, her voice having an even worse effect on his mental state. He had never heard someone sound so broken before.

“No,” he whispered at Mairin through the wall. “You’re not useless.” He knew she wouldn’t be able to hear him - he could barely hear himself over the sound of her cries - but he knew that he couldn’t just go inside. Keep her safe, a voice in the back of his head chanted, don’t go in there. You have to keep her safe. Keep her away from you. No matter how many times he told himself, though, every cry Mairin made cut him like a knife.

Finally gathering the strength he needed, Alain pushed himself off the wall, silently making his way back to Lysandre’s office. He would get his new mission and new locations of Mega Evolution users and he would save Chespie. That was the only thing on his mind, now.

Wait for me, Mairin, he said to himself, barely recognizing his own thoughts. I’ll save you.

..

Alain and Mairin stared at each other, not really knowing what to do.

It had been about a month, now, since Chespie had fallen into a coma, and Alain had been out vigorously trying to find a cure. He hadn’t spoken to Mairin since that horrible visit - I wish I could hate you still rang out in his mind every so often, painfully - and now he wasn’t sure how to take back the things he had said to get her to that point.

Obviously, he had been lying to protect her when he told her originally I can’t grow stronger with you around, but how was she supposed to know that? He understood now how stupid he had been, but fixing it was a different story entirely.

If he had it his way, he wouldn’t be seeing her at all, after everything that had happened. The last time he was here, Mairin’s screams had haunted him for days, but Lysandre had said that she’d asked about him, and Alain… Alain broke down when he finally heard that. He couldn’t do it anymore. Staying away was too hard, but being there was a different kind of torture. It was just a matter of time before he broke completely.

So now, here he was, staring at her like he’d never seen her before.

It was almost as if he hadn’t. She looked so different from the little girl he had met, all those months ago. When she had first started traveling with him, she was so full of life. Everything about the girl was vibrant, from her hair to her clothes to her personality. Now, Mairin reminded Alain of a wilted flower - and it made him want to cry.

“I’m sorry,” he attempted first, but barely any sound came out. “I’m sorry you had to go through this alone.” His voice was scratchy, his eyes burned with the threat of tears, but he heard nothing from the girl he would give everything for.

It took a few moments, but finally Alain gathered the courage to look up at her from the floor. She still hadn’t replied, but her tears were enough to understand.

He wasn’t sure if he could recover from this. He wasn’t sure if they could recover from this.

Alain wasn’t sure what hurt more.