weekly write up 7/21/2024
Jul. 21st, 2024 01:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
trainerlyrawell. i'm still alive so LOL
monday: kyle took monday off so he could rest after his paintball trip, which is both a good thing and a bad thing lol. it was really nice to just relax and hang out with him, but also when his routine gets thrown off like that he gets grouchy LOL. most of the day it was pouring out like crazy:
my street flooded a bit, which is nothing new. my street always floods. lmao. but yeah mostly just hung out, relaxed, played ZZZ and wrote and read etc. i did make a banger pasta with fake meat sauce:
the boca tvp will always be the goat. fucking love that sutff. we argued a bit over something pretty petty at the end of the night, which isn't a real surprise lmao with the routine throw off and him not being able to get outside and do something. he's unfortunately really bad at giving me space when i'm angry so i can calm down/deescalate, but hopefully i think he's starting to get it now...
tuesday: we were back to being in a heat emergency! love it. i have never had this bad of a summer up here i don't think. it's been SO hot and humid it's nasty. i really don't understand it at all lmfao. i had therapy that afternoon, which was... A Lot lmao. it always is. but i'm also extremely stressed about therapy atm. bc. i realized i don't think. my insurance covers it. melts. i have to. call them. tomorrow. and figure it out................ sobs. i can def not afford $150 a week right now. with no income. it's just too much......so idk what i'm gonna do. lose my mind? cry? scream? idk. i'll call and........try my best to fix it............ i knew it would catch up with me at some point i was just hoping i'd have a job by the time it did :( anyways i made this meme after therapy:
other than that, it was a day. nothing crazy or interesting really. kyle was exhausted when he got home obvs, from the heat and also having to go back to work after such an intense trip, so he mostly had to be in bed when he got home and i just brought him food etc lmao.
wednesday: another heat emergency day! the final day of it at least for the week but yeesh i'm so sick of 90+ with 75%+ humidity. disgusting. i got through acid tokyo in my TRC reread this day, which was good. it's still my favorite arc in TRC and the only one i have very vivid memories of from my only read of it prior. i love the vampire twins even though clamp forgot about best girl hokuto lmao. i also LOVE TRC!fuukam? they are so much funnier here for some reason. i think overall i just like fuuma a lot more in TRC. not that i don't love him/the dark kamui persona he becomes in x. but the like. angry cocky attitude while also being related to seishirou is just too funny. i'd read so many chapters of a TRC!seisub/fuukam spin off LMAO. the most important part of the day tho was the two things i've ordered so far from the clamp exhibition came in!!!!
firstly, i really thought these were cards. like made of cardstock. this is ACRLYIC. not at all what i was expecting! but it's very pretty. this is one of my favorite pieces of seisub art actually. it's the choking thing. iykyk. but MOST important, of course:
SEISUB PLUSH!!!! ITS THE TINY BOYS!!!!!!! they are so cute and will now be my oshikatsu staples for awhile. sorry joongdok you'll still get to come with my sometimes but these guys are just soooo. sighs lovingly. so tiny! so cute! subaru's little smile!! also yes at my desk is a CCS summoning circle rug. yes i have always been like this lol. finally on wednesday, i finally finally FINALLY got the shark bangboo in ZZZ. please look at how cute this stupid thing is:
i'm obsessed with all the shark stuff in ZZZ. truly best game.
thursday: aaaaand here's where things fall apart LOL. what else is new. thursday is usually my jason day, but he needed to do friday instead so he could have dinner with his mom, which was fine. i love j's mom. she's my mom now too LOL she's such a sweet woman and so funny. i was really thankful when i was younger and she basically adopted me the same way my dad was there for jason in a lot of ways. when i say jason is like my little brother i really mean it LOL he's my baby boy. anyways tho. day started off pretty normal, writing/editing/ZZZ/chores the usual. kyle came home, and we hung out for a bit before he went outside to chat with one of our neighbors, gina, which was good. he comes back in and we have a nice chat ourselves which was good. then he asks if he can turn the overhead lights off which i don't really like if i'm using my computer, because i have the colors set very specifically for graphic design purposes, and using my computer if the room is dark is almost a guaranteed migraine. which i hate! but i say yeah bc he deserves to be comfy sometimes too. and he's like cool i'll probably only be up for a little bit longer since i have to leave the house at 6:30 tomorrow. so then it becomes 12:30 and i'm like.... you gonna be okay with that little sleep....and he's like insisting he's not tired. and i'm like okaaaaaaaay........... and then another hour passes and he's not going to sleep and i KNOW that's gonna be a disaster but he obvs doesn't want me to push it so i don't.... but now i'm frustrated bc i've been wanting to write for two hours and haven't. so i go get some water in the kitchen and i'm like. i'm gonna turn the lights on. bc this is way longer than you said you would be up for. and of course that means all hell breaks lose LOL. bc i was rude about it and then he got annoyed which unfortunately means i started splitting. so i got PISSED and was like shit. wait. i'm gonna explode. i gotta get the fuck out of here and take some space. but he thinks i'm leaving the room to be like, aggressively showing him i'm angry and mad and tries to physically stop me and i'm like NO I HAVE TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW I AM NOT IN CONTROL OF MYSELF. he definitely did not understand this. so i finally make it to the bedroom and start trying to cool it but he almost. IMMEDIATELY decides that he's now going to bed and comes in and i'm like OH MY GOD I CANNOT BE AROUND SOMEONE RIGHT NOW I AM NOT IN CONTROL OF MYSELF. so i leave the bedroom and realize he's. unplugged and moved my laptop. bc he was upset with me. which i get even MORE angry about and he does apologize for that and gives it back. but by then i am like livid, until maybe 3am when i finally come back down and then just cry and sleep in the living room. so that was really no fun!!! especially as an end to a pretty good day!!!!
friday: so therefore friday was miserable. he left early, was absolutely not functioning right as he needs 9+ hours of sleep and got maybe 4. anyways, he didn't speak to me all day and i was a dissociative mess trying to remind myself jumping off a bridge was not in fact a valid solution to my problems, nor was applying for a credit card flying to japan and then killing myself there. lmao. so i spent. the entire day reading old fic. which like very fun or w/e, but also. yeah. until jason finally came and grabbed me at 7:30ish, which was good, forced me to be a person and all. we went to go buy him the books for the ttrpg system we're using for our upcoming MHA based campaign, which'll be fun. then we came back to my place and we talked for awhile. he ended up leaving around 12:30 so i could sleep, but kyle didn't end up coming home and i had to find out from will where he was which. definitely sucked and i went back to debating the idea of doing something Drastic lmfao.
saturday: which meant saturday was a certified nightmare :) he came home and immediately was angry the house was a mess since, again, non functional on friday which meant i did not do any cleaning. so i spent the first couple of hours cleaning, which was probably good because the house DID need it, but cleaning is not very fun when you're crying while doing it lmao....... but i deserved the anger, considering i'm not working so i SHOULD be better about keeping up with the house..... anyways. after i was almost finished we started to talk a bit but it did not go well, like at all, and it got to the point where he was like i need to LEAVE THE HOUSE but i cannot leave you alone because you are going to hurt yourself. so you are going to call your dad. which i really did not want to but it was actually probably the best thing we could've done. my dad and i had a really long talk. i love my dad, i know i've said lol, but he's a really fantastic listener and he's REALLY good at getting to the heart of anything happening. probably the best at it i've ever seen. he's just able to sort through a lot of info really well to ask the important questions and give good advice that's actually relevant. anyways, we talked for... maybe 2 hours together? it was a while. it did inevitably end up discussing my mother, bc she is a lot of why i have trauma lmfao. anyways, my father always knew things between us weren't... GREAT, and he's always always respected my feelings on going fully no contact with her and has never pushed it, just sometimes asked if i would reconsider, but dropped it fairly quickly. so he gently asked me if i was open to telling him more specifically what had happened between us. so i did. and i kind of wish i hadn't! bc i had never went into detail because i didn't want him to feel like it was his fault, bc what happened wasn't. my mother forced a divorce and very much kept him in the dark, and he was working 80ish hours a week to be sure he could pay for my mother's medical treatments and my expensive hippie school. since i also never told him, how was he supposed to know? but. he almost immediately started crying and said he was so sorry he failed me by making me go through that and not knowing and i just. i feel AWFUL about that part of the conversation. i absolutely don't want him to be upset with himself, he's always been my number 1 supporter in life and he's always tried to do everything he could for me.... but anyways. we talked about kyle too obvs and i was glad to hear how much my dad loves him too. i mean, knew this, of course, but i was glad that despite being his daughter he understood kyle hadn't really done much wrong and was just glad he loved me enough that even when that hurt/upset wanted to make sure i was safe. the rest of the conversation helped a lot, and then kyle came home and my dad left and we ended up talking things out. it was probably the most constructive post-blow up conversation we've ever had? so i guess that's a good thing. but man was i exhausted after it all. we're okay now, but i'm still. emotionally a little wobbly. on the plus side, the house is immaculate now lol.
sunday: and now we're here.... today i had work, so i spent my morning doing another birthday part for a friend, which was a good distraction i think. i was a bit worried about how seeing my dad would go today, but he was just glad to see me feeling better. kyle seems to be feeling better too, he said he was feeling pretty good emotionally which i was glad to hear. my legs hurt SO fucking badly though from cleaning the kitchen floor lmao. once i get home, i'll be doing a bunch more laundry most likely, and also doing a ton of writing. i'm a bit behind on camp nanowrimo, but i'm quite confident in my ability to catch back up. 25k in 10 days isn't actually too bad, considering i used to do 20k in 5 days as a fun challenge. i think if i really push myself it'll be fine! but yeah, what a week. i'm so tired lmfao.
last week's goals? lmao well i did put my pins up for sale.................and i did finish/post another bingo fic.........but that's all..............
hopes for next week:
monday: kyle took monday off so he could rest after his paintball trip, which is both a good thing and a bad thing lol. it was really nice to just relax and hang out with him, but also when his routine gets thrown off like that he gets grouchy LOL. most of the day it was pouring out like crazy:
my street flooded a bit, which is nothing new. my street always floods. lmao. but yeah mostly just hung out, relaxed, played ZZZ and wrote and read etc. i did make a banger pasta with fake meat sauce:
the boca tvp will always be the goat. fucking love that sutff. we argued a bit over something pretty petty at the end of the night, which isn't a real surprise lmao with the routine throw off and him not being able to get outside and do something. he's unfortunately really bad at giving me space when i'm angry so i can calm down/deescalate, but hopefully i think he's starting to get it now...
tuesday: we were back to being in a heat emergency! love it. i have never had this bad of a summer up here i don't think. it's been SO hot and humid it's nasty. i really don't understand it at all lmfao. i had therapy that afternoon, which was... A Lot lmao. it always is. but i'm also extremely stressed about therapy atm. bc. i realized i don't think. my insurance covers it. melts. i have to. call them. tomorrow. and figure it out................ sobs. i can def not afford $150 a week right now. with no income. it's just too much......so idk what i'm gonna do. lose my mind? cry? scream? idk. i'll call and........try my best to fix it............ i knew it would catch up with me at some point i was just hoping i'd have a job by the time it did :( anyways i made this meme after therapy:
other than that, it was a day. nothing crazy or interesting really. kyle was exhausted when he got home obvs, from the heat and also having to go back to work after such an intense trip, so he mostly had to be in bed when he got home and i just brought him food etc lmao.
wednesday: another heat emergency day! the final day of it at least for the week but yeesh i'm so sick of 90+ with 75%+ humidity. disgusting. i got through acid tokyo in my TRC reread this day, which was good. it's still my favorite arc in TRC and the only one i have very vivid memories of from my only read of it prior. i love the vampire twins even though clamp forgot about best girl hokuto lmao. i also LOVE TRC!fuukam? they are so much funnier here for some reason. i think overall i just like fuuma a lot more in TRC. not that i don't love him/the dark kamui persona he becomes in x. but the like. angry cocky attitude while also being related to seishirou is just too funny. i'd read so many chapters of a TRC!seisub/fuukam spin off LMAO. the most important part of the day tho was the two things i've ordered so far from the clamp exhibition came in!!!!
firstly, i really thought these were cards. like made of cardstock. this is ACRLYIC. not at all what i was expecting! but it's very pretty. this is one of my favorite pieces of seisub art actually. it's the choking thing. iykyk. but MOST important, of course:
SEISUB PLUSH!!!! ITS THE TINY BOYS!!!!!!! they are so cute and will now be my oshikatsu staples for awhile. sorry joongdok you'll still get to come with my sometimes but these guys are just soooo. sighs lovingly. so tiny! so cute! subaru's little smile!! also yes at my desk is a CCS summoning circle rug. yes i have always been like this lol. finally on wednesday, i finally finally FINALLY got the shark bangboo in ZZZ. please look at how cute this stupid thing is:
i'm obsessed with all the shark stuff in ZZZ. truly best game.
thursday: aaaaand here's where things fall apart LOL. what else is new. thursday is usually my jason day, but he needed to do friday instead so he could have dinner with his mom, which was fine. i love j's mom. she's my mom now too LOL she's such a sweet woman and so funny. i was really thankful when i was younger and she basically adopted me the same way my dad was there for jason in a lot of ways. when i say jason is like my little brother i really mean it LOL he's my baby boy. anyways tho. day started off pretty normal, writing/editing/ZZZ/chores the usual. kyle came home, and we hung out for a bit before he went outside to chat with one of our neighbors, gina, which was good. he comes back in and we have a nice chat ourselves which was good. then he asks if he can turn the overhead lights off which i don't really like if i'm using my computer, because i have the colors set very specifically for graphic design purposes, and using my computer if the room is dark is almost a guaranteed migraine. which i hate! but i say yeah bc he deserves to be comfy sometimes too. and he's like cool i'll probably only be up for a little bit longer since i have to leave the house at 6:30 tomorrow. so then it becomes 12:30 and i'm like.... you gonna be okay with that little sleep....and he's like insisting he's not tired. and i'm like okaaaaaaaay........... and then another hour passes and he's not going to sleep and i KNOW that's gonna be a disaster but he obvs doesn't want me to push it so i don't.... but now i'm frustrated bc i've been wanting to write for two hours and haven't. so i go get some water in the kitchen and i'm like. i'm gonna turn the lights on. bc this is way longer than you said you would be up for. and of course that means all hell breaks lose LOL. bc i was rude about it and then he got annoyed which unfortunately means i started splitting. so i got PISSED and was like shit. wait. i'm gonna explode. i gotta get the fuck out of here and take some space. but he thinks i'm leaving the room to be like, aggressively showing him i'm angry and mad and tries to physically stop me and i'm like NO I HAVE TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW I AM NOT IN CONTROL OF MYSELF. he definitely did not understand this. so i finally make it to the bedroom and start trying to cool it but he almost. IMMEDIATELY decides that he's now going to bed and comes in and i'm like OH MY GOD I CANNOT BE AROUND SOMEONE RIGHT NOW I AM NOT IN CONTROL OF MYSELF. so i leave the bedroom and realize he's. unplugged and moved my laptop. bc he was upset with me. which i get even MORE angry about and he does apologize for that and gives it back. but by then i am like livid, until maybe 3am when i finally come back down and then just cry and sleep in the living room. so that was really no fun!!! especially as an end to a pretty good day!!!!
friday: so therefore friday was miserable. he left early, was absolutely not functioning right as he needs 9+ hours of sleep and got maybe 4. anyways, he didn't speak to me all day and i was a dissociative mess trying to remind myself jumping off a bridge was not in fact a valid solution to my problems, nor was applying for a credit card flying to japan and then killing myself there. lmao. so i spent. the entire day reading old fic. which like very fun or w/e, but also. yeah. until jason finally came and grabbed me at 7:30ish, which was good, forced me to be a person and all. we went to go buy him the books for the ttrpg system we're using for our upcoming MHA based campaign, which'll be fun. then we came back to my place and we talked for awhile. he ended up leaving around 12:30 so i could sleep, but kyle didn't end up coming home and i had to find out from will where he was which. definitely sucked and i went back to debating the idea of doing something Drastic lmfao.
saturday: which meant saturday was a certified nightmare :) he came home and immediately was angry the house was a mess since, again, non functional on friday which meant i did not do any cleaning. so i spent the first couple of hours cleaning, which was probably good because the house DID need it, but cleaning is not very fun when you're crying while doing it lmao....... but i deserved the anger, considering i'm not working so i SHOULD be better about keeping up with the house..... anyways. after i was almost finished we started to talk a bit but it did not go well, like at all, and it got to the point where he was like i need to LEAVE THE HOUSE but i cannot leave you alone because you are going to hurt yourself. so you are going to call your dad. which i really did not want to but it was actually probably the best thing we could've done. my dad and i had a really long talk. i love my dad, i know i've said lol, but he's a really fantastic listener and he's REALLY good at getting to the heart of anything happening. probably the best at it i've ever seen. he's just able to sort through a lot of info really well to ask the important questions and give good advice that's actually relevant. anyways, we talked for... maybe 2 hours together? it was a while. it did inevitably end up discussing my mother, bc she is a lot of why i have trauma lmfao. anyways, my father always knew things between us weren't... GREAT, and he's always always respected my feelings on going fully no contact with her and has never pushed it, just sometimes asked if i would reconsider, but dropped it fairly quickly. so he gently asked me if i was open to telling him more specifically what had happened between us. so i did. and i kind of wish i hadn't! bc i had never went into detail because i didn't want him to feel like it was his fault, bc what happened wasn't. my mother forced a divorce and very much kept him in the dark, and he was working 80ish hours a week to be sure he could pay for my mother's medical treatments and my expensive hippie school. since i also never told him, how was he supposed to know? but. he almost immediately started crying and said he was so sorry he failed me by making me go through that and not knowing and i just. i feel AWFUL about that part of the conversation. i absolutely don't want him to be upset with himself, he's always been my number 1 supporter in life and he's always tried to do everything he could for me.... but anyways. we talked about kyle too obvs and i was glad to hear how much my dad loves him too. i mean, knew this, of course, but i was glad that despite being his daughter he understood kyle hadn't really done much wrong and was just glad he loved me enough that even when that hurt/upset wanted to make sure i was safe. the rest of the conversation helped a lot, and then kyle came home and my dad left and we ended up talking things out. it was probably the most constructive post-blow up conversation we've ever had? so i guess that's a good thing. but man was i exhausted after it all. we're okay now, but i'm still. emotionally a little wobbly. on the plus side, the house is immaculate now lol.
sunday: and now we're here.... today i had work, so i spent my morning doing another birthday part for a friend, which was a good distraction i think. i was a bit worried about how seeing my dad would go today, but he was just glad to see me feeling better. kyle seems to be feeling better too, he said he was feeling pretty good emotionally which i was glad to hear. my legs hurt SO fucking badly though from cleaning the kitchen floor lmao. once i get home, i'll be doing a bunch more laundry most likely, and also doing a ton of writing. i'm a bit behind on camp nanowrimo, but i'm quite confident in my ability to catch back up. 25k in 10 days isn't actually too bad, considering i used to do 20k in 5 days as a fun challenge. i think if i really push myself it'll be fine! but yeah, what a week. i'm so tired lmfao.
last week's goals? lmao well i did put my pins up for sale.................and i did finish/post another bingo fic.........but that's all..............
hopes for next week:
- reorganize main bookshelf
- finish 3 bingo fics since i have 3 almost finished
- get back to playing genshin regularly
