july 2024 - seishirou/subaru

[trainerlyra]

title: untitled
date written: july 2024
notes: UNFINISHED, very unfinished, like only 1/4 of this is done probably, but idk when i'll end up finishing this one so up here it goes lol. eventually this would have ended up with seishirou changing subaru's bandages and extreme UST lmao

Stupid as it sounded, Subaru hadn’t actually expected it to hurt that much. Maybe he’d romanticized it in his head, over the last nine years. What it would be like to finally lose his eye. He’d known it would hurt, of course, but somehow he thought there would be something else with it.

Maybe euphoria. Maybe the release of a weight he’d been carrying for almost a decade. It didn’t really matter anymore, Subaru knew. His eye was gone, and he would never get that back.

Good, he couldn’t help but think venomously. Seishirou had taken a hit for him that time, and he’d never been able to forgive himself. Even after everything — even after Seishirou murdered Hokuto in cold blood.

Not that he could explain that to anyone. Kamui had just left, and Subaru could tell he’d been shaken up by his admission. That he’d wanted it. That it had been his wish to lose his eye, to mirror the Sakurazukamori. If there was anyone among the Seals who would come to understand, it would be him, but he didn’t expect it.

He didn’t really deserve that kindness, anyway.

Still, the pain was prominent. Subaru was completely refusing the painkillers the doctors had prescribed him, though he told nobody about that. He’d wanted to feel the pain, and this was his consequence. It was… retribution, maybe. The closing of a chapter, of a book as a whole. The pain was a good reminder that he and Seishirou were finally even — in that regard, at the very least.

Sighing, he leaned back into the mountain of pillows Kamui had pushed onto him when he was returned to the campus. None of this was comfortable to him, but he wouldn’t ruin Kamui’s day more than he already had. He was a good kid. It should stay that way, no matter how hard things were.

“You’re looking rather worrisome, Subaru-kun.”

Subaru blinked, turning towards the window. As he often did, he’d left it open in hopes this very man would show up in his room. It was stupid — more stupid than expecting losing an eye to not hurt — but he couldn’t stop. He’d never been able to stop when it came to Seishirou. A curse he couldn’t break.

Tonight, though, Seishirou was different. The usual fake smile was nowhere to be found, replaced entirely with a frown that marred his features in a way Subaru was unused to. His sunglasses were still on, and a cigarette still burning in his hand.

“Give me that,” Subaru said, gesturing towards the lit cigarette. He’d been craving a smoke for hours but between the hospital visit and his long conversation with Kamui, he hadn’t gotten a chance.

Well. He probably could’ve smoked with Kamui in the room, but it had felt rude now that the other boy knew where the habit had come from.

Seishirou’s expression melted instantly, normal — fake — smile spreading out over his lips. Subaru both loved and hated it. “As you wish,” he agreed easily, passing it to him.

As soon as he took the drag, he felt a bit better. It was probably terrible how quickly nicotine effected him those days, but Subaru would take what he could get in the world they lived in. A little extra focus couldn’t very well hurt.

Seishirou didn’t say anything even as he sat down on the edge of the bed, near Subaru’s feet. It wasn’t unusual for their visits to be spent in silence, but there was something about his demeanor that was setting his nerves on fire. For some reason, it almost seemed like Seishirou was angry about — something. Subaru wasn’t sure what. That he’d been weak enough to get this injured? That Seishirou hadn’t been the one to do it?

He supposed it didn’t matter. He brought the cigarette up to his lips again, exhaling slowly. At least the nicotine was distracting him from the throbbing pain inside of his skull. Once he’d smoked it to its last, Subaru pushed the butt into the ash tray on the nightstand, leaning back onto the mountain of pillows once more.

If Seishirou were there, Subaru might actually be able to sleep. There was something backwards about that logic — about being able to only let his guard down around a man he most certainly should not. But there was no nights where he got better sleep than when the Sakurazukamori would come by unannounced.

Usually their visits were a bit more physically intimate than this, but it wasn’t like Subaru was in any condition to do much of anything. Besides the blinded eye, the other Kamui had roughed him up pretty badly. Not to mention the doctors at the hospital having to work quickly, lest he lose the eye completely.

“I’m curious,” Seishirou said mildly, catching Subaru off guard. He hadn’t expected him to say a thing. “It’s almost like you wanted to lose the eye, hm?”

Subaru didn’t even have the energy to scowl at him. Nor could he when he wasn’t even wrong. He’d already gone through this conversation once that night, and he didn’t really want to do it again.

He sighed deeply. “Does it matter?” He asked, knowing the answer would be a resounding no.

Seishirou didn’t care about him. Seishirou didn’t care about anything but owning him, making sure Subaru knew that he was nothing but a play thing at every moment he could. It would be delusional to suggest otherwise.

This was crossing every single unspoken rule they’d set from the beginning of these visits. Seishirou was often antagonistic — he wouldn’t be himself otherwise, Subaru knew — but they’d both agreed to keep discussions of the war to a minimum. It was supposed to be easier that way, as it wasn’t like either of them cared about the end of the world.

Still, he supposed it was just like him to trample all over every single boundary that he might have. He really should know better.

Seishirou regarded him with an unreadable expression. Frustrating, as always, but he didn’t say anything. Instead, he let Subaru be the one to cave, as he always was. Almost as if it were an agreement that the previous rule held no water. What else would Seishirou take from him?

It was undoubtedly more frustrating that Subaru allowed it to keep happening. “Maybe I did,” he said quietly, exhaustion creeping up in his tone.

And god, did he feel pathetic saying it aloud to Seishirou himself. Talking to Kamui about it had been natural, almost; at least he would’ve understood to an extent. His complicated feelings for the other Kamui gave him a good baseline for Subaru to not sound completely insane.

Talking about it to Seishirou was a completely different story.

Firstly, they didn’t talk. They had sex, Subaru was forcibly put to sleep, and Seishirou was gone by the time Subaru woke. Every time. The only reason they even got to that is because Subaru was desperate for anything, and Seishirou was never one to not take advantage of him in such a weakened state. It was honestly pathetic. Each time they fucked, Seishirou pushed the envelope more and more of what Subaru would allow him to do, and he knew it spurred him on to see Subaru give in over and over again.

Secondly, and potentially more importantly, how could Subaru even begin to explain that he wanted repentance for what happened to his eye?

“Well, I suppose we match now,” Seishirou said blithely. At his words, Subaru went rigid. This of course didn’t deter Seishirou in the slightest. “How romantic, Subaru-kun.”

Maybe he was stupid, Subaru thought, to think that Seishirou wouldn’t be as cruel as possible when Subaru was in a position like this. Maybe he was pathetic. When he’d first arrived back to his designated room, Kamui fretting over him like Hokuto used to, he’d hated himself for thinking he wished it had been someone else. That he wanted the Sakurazukamori to show up, be the one to fluff up his pillows, hold his hand through the pain, to just…

Anything, Subaru thought bitterly. He’d take anything that Seishirou was willing to give him. Unfortunately, that almost always was a resounding nothing.

Pathetic was the word, indeed. He finally relaxed his tense posture, turning his good eye away from Seishirou. He wanted so badly to tell him to leave. To tell him that he shouldn’t be there, that he shouldn’t come around anymore, that Subaru didn’t— that he didn’t—

So many things he should say, but could never bring himself to. So many things he shouldn’t feel, but couldn’t bring himself to stop. Subaru sighed, completely defeated. What else was new, when it came to the Sakurazukamori.

“Why are you here?” He asked wearily. The pain was a good stabilizer, forcing him to stay in the present and not get lost in the past. He’d long since learned to rely on things he shouldn’t.

Seishirou didn’t answer immediately, instead taking another cigarette out of the pack and lighting it. Subaru eyed it, deciding chain smoking was somewhat acceptable when he’d just lost function of an eye. Wordlessly, Seishirou held the pack towards him, Subaru taking one without hesitation.

Instead of handing off the lighter, Seishirou moved himself closer to Subaru, leaning in to light them both at the same time.

Subaru inhaled deeply, trying to force himself to go back to focusing on the pain rather than the man sitting a breath away from him. It was easier with the cigarette in his hand even after that little display of intimacy.

“I had to come check on my dear Subaru-kun, of course,” was Seishirou’s eventual lofty answer.

Subaru scowled. What a load of shit. He wasn’t in the mood to play Seishirou’s stupid mind games that night. “Just… stop,” Subaru said, closing his seeing eye. “Please.”

Comments

[phantomtomato]

I love what you’ve written of this! It’s a great premise, and I’m sure the bandage-changing would be very sexually tense. :D You can really tell how much they both want to be doing more than sniping at one another, but how their patterns are too set to allow it.

[trainerlyra]

thank you so much!!! one of my favorite things about writing seisub is their dialogue (and subsequent non-dialogue), i think, so it's always nice to know i'm getting the vibe right haha.