weekly write up 8/11/2024
Aug. 11th, 2024 10:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
trainerlyra well, this was. A Week, to be sure. i may end up FLocking this one since it's uhhh heavy
monday: after my binge of learning python and trying my hardest to dissect the hex code of a wonderswan rom, i discovered that nobody had mentioned that retro arch now has an auto translate via google AI feature. like, the emulator. i wanted to bang my head against the wall. this entire time. ENTIRE TIME. i could have been playing the game and then could learn how to patch in a proper translation script for the bits my japanese was slacking on........i felt so stupid. that said, i've played through almost all of seishirou's route thus far, and a little bit of subaru's:
at some point soon, i'd like to make an actual fan translation for this game, as well as for the ps1 fighting game that exists. i'd also like to properly extract the sprites so i can fuck around in rpg maker. i have some ideas, and i think making a fan game would be a lot of fun. i also scheduled my three research study visits, one of which happens this week and two coming up. finally red also sent me and kyle a care package, which was really sweet of her:
the shark is her college's mascot, and the biyoo she got from someone at AX. the minako keychain she made for me, because we are the artisato siblings.... and the fake plant is for kyle, it now sits on his desk proudly. the little dessert cups are also for him, and i think i will surprise him soon by making pudding or something to take to work with him in them... it just occurred to me this might have been tuesday. idk. this week is a blur of mental illness. other than this on monday... average day. the best day of the week, fucking honestly. it just all goes downhill from here lmao.
tuesday: and here is where it all falls apart lmao. i didn't fold the laundry, nor did i make kyle's breakfast/lunch before he woke up in the morning. normally, on tuesdays, he leaves late, so i thought i had plenty of time as i got out of bed to do it at 8:40.... of course, this was the one morning where he also wanted to leave early, combined with the fact that i'd forgotten the laundry, made him pretty upset. considering the only thing he's asking me to do while unemployed is literally just cooking and laundry lmao. i dont blame him. i handled the initial conversation very poorly, and then the subsequent phone calls were handled even worse as i was then having to rush out the door to my intake with a new psychiatrist.
the psych, at least, was awesome. she was so awesome. all my appointments the past year had only taken maybe 10 minutes TOPS, and none of them even really cared about me - i had two separate psychiatrists even get my diagnosis wrong when trying to prescribe me new meds to trial. i'm not bipolar - i'm borderline. mood stabilizers are not going to help me, thank you very much, which is why i have tried all of them and have had none of them do anything. lmao. anyways, she was great. the appointment lasted over an hour where she really went in depth on what we needed to solve right now immediately, versus what we could try to resolve once the biggest stressors were going away. so finally, after YEARS of skirting around the issue, she put adhd on my chart and prescribed me some adhd meds. i go in again weekly until we find the right dosage. they WORK, for certain, just the dose is currently too low so they wear off super fucking fast, but i could feel myself actually be able to start and finish tasks for the first time like. ever. so that was cool.
the rest of tuesday was garbage. eventually kyle texted me and sort of apologized for how heated things got, and i sort of apologized for causing the issue in the first place, but we were still obviously on very weird terms with each other. there's a lot of things that are issues - almost entirely MY issues, because at this point he is in far better shape than i am. about most things. so it just was an uncomfortable way to end the night.
wednesday: gets worse, somehow. let me get the thing that actually happened to me out of the way - this was the first day of the research study. 5 hours, including a 2 hour MRI, and then a lot of questionnaires and a behavioral test at the end. it was EXHAUSTING. especially considering how emotionally drained i was the entire day. thankfully (??) this research study is about treatments for BPD with suicidal ideation specifically, so i guess in a way it was good i was feeling...? so awful??? lmao. i'm trying to look on the bright side of literally anything here, folks.
the MRI was unpleasant but i was so exhausted i fell asleep for a bit of it. oops. i hope that wasn't too bad for their data. they didn't say anything and seemed very pleased with the results they got, so i think it. should be fine? i hope it's fine. lmao. the behavioral tests were weird as hell. i'm looking forward to doing them again this coming week, tbh.
the rest of the day, though, ugh. my appointment started at 12, so when i woke up, kyle and i spoke on the phone for quite a long while. it went. poorly. really poorly. i don't blame him for feeling what he feels. my issues are difficult, especially while going through trauma therapy for my childhood rapes. i, obviously, cannot be intimate at all at the moment. and that's very lonely and isolating. in combination with like, literally everything else wrong with me - my casual cruelty, mainly, when i am feeling threatened which is nearly all the time, plus my horrific control issues - he has been struggling very hard. i, also, have been struggling very hard. because i want to die so badly most of the time, it's easy for me to pretend i just kind of don't exist. but i do, and he'd really like it if even if all those things were wrong with me i was still willing to connect with him more, so we can be on the same team. which i understand. eventually, when i got home at around 6:30, he reminded me that he loves me and that he wants to figure this out no matter how hard it is. the night got a little better, but i was overall still really exhausted. oh, and to make matters worse, my dad let me know that the blood thinners weren't working so he'd be going in for surgery friday. more on that later...
thursday: the other best day of the week. we were pretending we were okay again, and it was jason day, AND it was finally not a disgusting temperature outside so i could bake. so first thing, obviously, was to bake some chocolate muffins since i guess that was a thing with the olympics? i genuinely do not know lol, but my friends kept talking about it so i made some. i used hot chocolate powder as the base because i did not realize i was out of cocoa powder lmao. they came out really well:
i also got some cheap fake nails bc getting dip powder every 4 weeks is currently just a little too pricy for our budget, but they're fine, i guess:
it's just good having claws again, tbh. i did not like having no nails. i haven't had no nails for more than a day or two since 2020!!!! since it was cooler out, i decided to finally wear holy lantern out to see jason as well:
time with j was, of course, very good. for the first few hours while kyle and one of j's roommates were outside smoking, he and i sat and talked for awhile. i really do love him so much. then kyle came back in, we watched more demon slayer, we ordered pizza at like 11:30, watched more demon slayer... just a really nice, relaxing night. kyle and i seemed genuinely pretty okay. i was glad.
friday: it was a really normal friday, if you don't include my dad's surgery. which i will get to in a moment. the day portion was ALMOST alright. i was still feeling out of it, but between the new adhd meds and having a nice evening the night before, i was managing. played zzz, read, thought about writing, played fate/stay night now that it's FINALLY AVAILABLE IN ENGLISH LEGALLY, my god, i almost want to play the fan translation again in tandem to see how the new official one compares, but yeah, just a day.
my dad's surgery not so much. it failed. again. so he STILL has a massive fucking painful blood clot in his leg. none of us are very happy about this. i am absolutely 100% not ready to lose my father, especially to something that should be fixable. he's going back in tomorrow for another consultation on how they should proceed now. so that REALLY threw me off my game, and my very fragile okay-ish mental health was instantly sent back down.
kyle brought will over with my permission bc will has been going through a bit of a rough time too, but i'll be honest, it's hard for me to have more than basic sympathy for him at the moment. not that i don't love will, but for like two weeks he's been eating up a lot of kyle's good will and nonstop talking about his issues with this girl and i just... this is probably really calloused, but this is my diary so oh well, but i just don't even know what he was really expecting. he met her via nsfw posting, she lives in dubai, and neither of them really had plans to move. they were also not really in a relationship. they were both still sleeping around, and he hadn't met her in person before - not to say that online & long distance isn't valid, but with no concrete plans at our age it just... idk. but anyways, she started seeing this guy in the UK where she has plans to actually move to as she's got dual citizenship, and basically told will she wasn't in love with him anymore and didn't see a future together but wants time to sort out her feelings entirely.
like it sucks. it absolutely sucks so hard for him, because he really genuinely loved her. but i just am not really sure what he expected. her reasoning mainly was that she didn't know if he was serious about her, and is she really wrong for that...? they'd been talking for three years, sharing feelings for three years, but he had no interest in moving to where she was and made no real attempt to even have her come visit him in the whole three years they'd been talking - and not for lack of funds or anything. it was absolutely reasonably POSSIBLE, so it's not even one of those things that couldn't be avoided... anyway. the whole thing sucks for him and i do really feel for him but it has been nonstop only talking about this and nothing else and i will admit i was a bit frustrated, especially as MY FATHER'S SURGERY FAILED AND HE STILL HAS A BLOOD CLOT IN HIS FUCKING LEG. anyways, kyle apologized, and was equally like "yeah i'm about at my limit trying to help him with this". and that was friday.
saturday: the other okay-ish day. kyle left early for a hike with jory & quinn, and while i was not feeling very good or okay socially since well. gestures at everything. i still took kyle up on his offer to go out and get ice cream with them afterwards, which was a very good decision on my part:
this ice cream was apparently voted best in the state? and it's like 15 minutes from us. i can absolutely confirm, holy shit, best ice cream i have ever had bar none lmao. i got purple cow & old fashioned peach, which had ACTUAL PEACH SLICES IN IT, with hot fudge, and oh my GOD. it was perfect. i have never enjoyed ice cream more.
anyways, will and nick ended up coming over, which i wasn't too thrilled about given the will situation... which i was right for, i asked him how he was in passing A Single Time and he was immediately like "oh i'm terrible, this is still so terrible" and i was like bro i am sorry i love you but Please. i am Exhausted. anyways, after jory & quinn left, i joined kyle nick & will on the porch and played more FSN while kyle took some pictures on his film camera and we hung out. rest of saturday was also fine, honestly, nothing to write home about but fine.
sunday: kyle had a bad morning emotionally and i immediately thought it was my fault and lashed out lol so that's a great way to set the tone for the day. he left shortly after to go hang out with nick and will again and i.... well. i read. a lot of fic. and then he came home and we ended up talking.. a lot. things are not good. things are in fact very bad, actually, mostly because i keep choosing wrong. i keep not thinking or not wanting to try and get better because i am simply too angry about the things that i experienced that my lack of desire to live bleeds into everything i do and that includes being a good partner to him. and he's very tired. he keeps reminding me that he is here, that he is ready to support me when i am ready to let him in, but he can't keep standing there forever if i am not even going to try. which is very fair.
i just don't know if i can try to choose the right thing. i don't know if i can stop choosing the idea of wasting away and pushing everything away from me until i have nothing and can finally go in peace. i have wanted to die since i was 8 years old. i was assaulted when i was 11. i literally do not remember what it was like to live and enjoy it, because even before i was 8, my mother was an abusive piece of shit physically and mentally. i've wanted to die longer than i've been alive sometimes it feels like. so every time he asks me to choose him instead, i don't know what to do. i don't know how to stop being angry and to listen to him. to stop wanting to die so i can be an active presence in his life like he wants. he doesn't even want me to be perfect. he's okay if i am still shitty and still have all these issues and get mad and sad and cry and whatever else i do. he just wants me to let him IN while i am feeling all of those things.
but i don't know. it's terrifying. more than terrifying, i am also so angry and resentful at the world that it also bleeds into my marriage. how dare you want me to get better, i think, because i never had a fucking chance to be a person, to make it in this world, to be emotionally stable or normal or even just less bitter. i was doomed from day one, and continued to be failed by nearly every single person that should have helped me, and then on top of ALL OF THAT i surrounded myself with people who understood to some extent and therefore have lost half a dozen people to suicide already. that resentment bleeds everywhere into my life. into everything i do. into everything i love. it's exhausting. i'm exhausted. but i'm so angry and hateful that these things happened to me, that nobody protected me, that nobody stopped and wanted to help a child being sexually assaulted on the regular because it was, what, easier to close their eyes and pretend it wasn't happening? easier to think i was lying? i don't know. i've never known. but i'm so, so fucking angry that i don't know how i'm ever supposed to STOP being angry when he begs me to at least try to let him in.
so i don't know. maybe i'm doomed to be alone, honestly, if i don't want to put in the proper effort to stop having these things rule over my life. it's been so long i just don't know a life without it. a life as someone other than mitzi, the victim. mitzi, whose mother abused her so badly she cut contact at 16 and ran away from home because being homeless would be better than being with her. mitzi, who met a high school boy at 11 who decided that my predicament was easy to take advantage of and raped me repeatedly for almost a year because somehow to me at 11 and 12 it was safer to deal with that than to be at home with my mother. mitzi, whose best friend killed himself, whose best friend killed herself, whose best friend killed herself, who keeps having her friends kill themselves leaving her all alone to grieve. mitzi, who the universe enjoys laughing at so much that on top of all of that gave her a genetic disorder that causes a lot of pain and can never be cured.
i don't know how to stop being the victim. i don't know how to stop being angry that i have been the victim. that these things all just kept happening to me. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know.
anyways, yeah, today sucked.. it's midnight now and i have to get to the research facility by 8am for 10 full fucking hours of treatment testing and i am going to be exhausted and feeling awful bc all the crying and the whole not eating bc of fighting with kyle has given me a killer migraine. woohoo. let's all pray next week is better, yes?
last week's goals? everything but the genshin summer event... damn you ZZZ....
hopes for next week:
monday: after my binge of learning python and trying my hardest to dissect the hex code of a wonderswan rom, i discovered that nobody had mentioned that retro arch now has an auto translate via google AI feature. like, the emulator. i wanted to bang my head against the wall. this entire time. ENTIRE TIME. i could have been playing the game and then could learn how to patch in a proper translation script for the bits my japanese was slacking on........i felt so stupid. that said, i've played through almost all of seishirou's route thus far, and a little bit of subaru's:
at some point soon, i'd like to make an actual fan translation for this game, as well as for the ps1 fighting game that exists. i'd also like to properly extract the sprites so i can fuck around in rpg maker. i have some ideas, and i think making a fan game would be a lot of fun. i also scheduled my three research study visits, one of which happens this week and two coming up. finally red also sent me and kyle a care package, which was really sweet of her:
the shark is her college's mascot, and the biyoo she got from someone at AX. the minako keychain she made for me, because we are the artisato siblings.... and the fake plant is for kyle, it now sits on his desk proudly. the little dessert cups are also for him, and i think i will surprise him soon by making pudding or something to take to work with him in them... it just occurred to me this might have been tuesday. idk. this week is a blur of mental illness. other than this on monday... average day. the best day of the week, fucking honestly. it just all goes downhill from here lmao.
tuesday: and here is where it all falls apart lmao. i didn't fold the laundry, nor did i make kyle's breakfast/lunch before he woke up in the morning. normally, on tuesdays, he leaves late, so i thought i had plenty of time as i got out of bed to do it at 8:40.... of course, this was the one morning where he also wanted to leave early, combined with the fact that i'd forgotten the laundry, made him pretty upset. considering the only thing he's asking me to do while unemployed is literally just cooking and laundry lmao. i dont blame him. i handled the initial conversation very poorly, and then the subsequent phone calls were handled even worse as i was then having to rush out the door to my intake with a new psychiatrist.
the psych, at least, was awesome. she was so awesome. all my appointments the past year had only taken maybe 10 minutes TOPS, and none of them even really cared about me - i had two separate psychiatrists even get my diagnosis wrong when trying to prescribe me new meds to trial. i'm not bipolar - i'm borderline. mood stabilizers are not going to help me, thank you very much, which is why i have tried all of them and have had none of them do anything. lmao. anyways, she was great. the appointment lasted over an hour where she really went in depth on what we needed to solve right now immediately, versus what we could try to resolve once the biggest stressors were going away. so finally, after YEARS of skirting around the issue, she put adhd on my chart and prescribed me some adhd meds. i go in again weekly until we find the right dosage. they WORK, for certain, just the dose is currently too low so they wear off super fucking fast, but i could feel myself actually be able to start and finish tasks for the first time like. ever. so that was cool.
the rest of tuesday was garbage. eventually kyle texted me and sort of apologized for how heated things got, and i sort of apologized for causing the issue in the first place, but we were still obviously on very weird terms with each other. there's a lot of things that are issues - almost entirely MY issues, because at this point he is in far better shape than i am. about most things. so it just was an uncomfortable way to end the night.
wednesday: gets worse, somehow. let me get the thing that actually happened to me out of the way - this was the first day of the research study. 5 hours, including a 2 hour MRI, and then a lot of questionnaires and a behavioral test at the end. it was EXHAUSTING. especially considering how emotionally drained i was the entire day. thankfully (??) this research study is about treatments for BPD with suicidal ideation specifically, so i guess in a way it was good i was feeling...? so awful??? lmao. i'm trying to look on the bright side of literally anything here, folks.
the MRI was unpleasant but i was so exhausted i fell asleep for a bit of it. oops. i hope that wasn't too bad for their data. they didn't say anything and seemed very pleased with the results they got, so i think it. should be fine? i hope it's fine. lmao. the behavioral tests were weird as hell. i'm looking forward to doing them again this coming week, tbh.
the rest of the day, though, ugh. my appointment started at 12, so when i woke up, kyle and i spoke on the phone for quite a long while. it went. poorly. really poorly. i don't blame him for feeling what he feels. my issues are difficult, especially while going through trauma therapy for my childhood rapes. i, obviously, cannot be intimate at all at the moment. and that's very lonely and isolating. in combination with like, literally everything else wrong with me - my casual cruelty, mainly, when i am feeling threatened which is nearly all the time, plus my horrific control issues - he has been struggling very hard. i, also, have been struggling very hard. because i want to die so badly most of the time, it's easy for me to pretend i just kind of don't exist. but i do, and he'd really like it if even if all those things were wrong with me i was still willing to connect with him more, so we can be on the same team. which i understand. eventually, when i got home at around 6:30, he reminded me that he loves me and that he wants to figure this out no matter how hard it is. the night got a little better, but i was overall still really exhausted. oh, and to make matters worse, my dad let me know that the blood thinners weren't working so he'd be going in for surgery friday. more on that later...
thursday: the other best day of the week. we were pretending we were okay again, and it was jason day, AND it was finally not a disgusting temperature outside so i could bake. so first thing, obviously, was to bake some chocolate muffins since i guess that was a thing with the olympics? i genuinely do not know lol, but my friends kept talking about it so i made some. i used hot chocolate powder as the base because i did not realize i was out of cocoa powder lmao. they came out really well:
i also got some cheap fake nails bc getting dip powder every 4 weeks is currently just a little too pricy for our budget, but they're fine, i guess:
it's just good having claws again, tbh. i did not like having no nails. i haven't had no nails for more than a day or two since 2020!!!! since it was cooler out, i decided to finally wear holy lantern out to see jason as well:
time with j was, of course, very good. for the first few hours while kyle and one of j's roommates were outside smoking, he and i sat and talked for awhile. i really do love him so much. then kyle came back in, we watched more demon slayer, we ordered pizza at like 11:30, watched more demon slayer... just a really nice, relaxing night. kyle and i seemed genuinely pretty okay. i was glad.
friday: it was a really normal friday, if you don't include my dad's surgery. which i will get to in a moment. the day portion was ALMOST alright. i was still feeling out of it, but between the new adhd meds and having a nice evening the night before, i was managing. played zzz, read, thought about writing, played fate/stay night now that it's FINALLY AVAILABLE IN ENGLISH LEGALLY, my god, i almost want to play the fan translation again in tandem to see how the new official one compares, but yeah, just a day.
my dad's surgery not so much. it failed. again. so he STILL has a massive fucking painful blood clot in his leg. none of us are very happy about this. i am absolutely 100% not ready to lose my father, especially to something that should be fixable. he's going back in tomorrow for another consultation on how they should proceed now. so that REALLY threw me off my game, and my very fragile okay-ish mental health was instantly sent back down.
kyle brought will over with my permission bc will has been going through a bit of a rough time too, but i'll be honest, it's hard for me to have more than basic sympathy for him at the moment. not that i don't love will, but for like two weeks he's been eating up a lot of kyle's good will and nonstop talking about his issues with this girl and i just... this is probably really calloused, but this is my diary so oh well, but i just don't even know what he was really expecting. he met her via nsfw posting, she lives in dubai, and neither of them really had plans to move. they were also not really in a relationship. they were both still sleeping around, and he hadn't met her in person before - not to say that online & long distance isn't valid, but with no concrete plans at our age it just... idk. but anyways, she started seeing this guy in the UK where she has plans to actually move to as she's got dual citizenship, and basically told will she wasn't in love with him anymore and didn't see a future together but wants time to sort out her feelings entirely.
like it sucks. it absolutely sucks so hard for him, because he really genuinely loved her. but i just am not really sure what he expected. her reasoning mainly was that she didn't know if he was serious about her, and is she really wrong for that...? they'd been talking for three years, sharing feelings for three years, but he had no interest in moving to where she was and made no real attempt to even have her come visit him in the whole three years they'd been talking - and not for lack of funds or anything. it was absolutely reasonably POSSIBLE, so it's not even one of those things that couldn't be avoided... anyway. the whole thing sucks for him and i do really feel for him but it has been nonstop only talking about this and nothing else and i will admit i was a bit frustrated, especially as MY FATHER'S SURGERY FAILED AND HE STILL HAS A BLOOD CLOT IN HIS FUCKING LEG. anyways, kyle apologized, and was equally like "yeah i'm about at my limit trying to help him with this". and that was friday.
saturday: the other okay-ish day. kyle left early for a hike with jory & quinn, and while i was not feeling very good or okay socially since well. gestures at everything. i still took kyle up on his offer to go out and get ice cream with them afterwards, which was a very good decision on my part:
this ice cream was apparently voted best in the state? and it's like 15 minutes from us. i can absolutely confirm, holy shit, best ice cream i have ever had bar none lmao. i got purple cow & old fashioned peach, which had ACTUAL PEACH SLICES IN IT, with hot fudge, and oh my GOD. it was perfect. i have never enjoyed ice cream more.
anyways, will and nick ended up coming over, which i wasn't too thrilled about given the will situation... which i was right for, i asked him how he was in passing A Single Time and he was immediately like "oh i'm terrible, this is still so terrible" and i was like bro i am sorry i love you but Please. i am Exhausted. anyways, after jory & quinn left, i joined kyle nick & will on the porch and played more FSN while kyle took some pictures on his film camera and we hung out. rest of saturday was also fine, honestly, nothing to write home about but fine.
sunday: kyle had a bad morning emotionally and i immediately thought it was my fault and lashed out lol so that's a great way to set the tone for the day. he left shortly after to go hang out with nick and will again and i.... well. i read. a lot of fic. and then he came home and we ended up talking.. a lot. things are not good. things are in fact very bad, actually, mostly because i keep choosing wrong. i keep not thinking or not wanting to try and get better because i am simply too angry about the things that i experienced that my lack of desire to live bleeds into everything i do and that includes being a good partner to him. and he's very tired. he keeps reminding me that he is here, that he is ready to support me when i am ready to let him in, but he can't keep standing there forever if i am not even going to try. which is very fair.
i just don't know if i can try to choose the right thing. i don't know if i can stop choosing the idea of wasting away and pushing everything away from me until i have nothing and can finally go in peace. i have wanted to die since i was 8 years old. i was assaulted when i was 11. i literally do not remember what it was like to live and enjoy it, because even before i was 8, my mother was an abusive piece of shit physically and mentally. i've wanted to die longer than i've been alive sometimes it feels like. so every time he asks me to choose him instead, i don't know what to do. i don't know how to stop being angry and to listen to him. to stop wanting to die so i can be an active presence in his life like he wants. he doesn't even want me to be perfect. he's okay if i am still shitty and still have all these issues and get mad and sad and cry and whatever else i do. he just wants me to let him IN while i am feeling all of those things.
but i don't know. it's terrifying. more than terrifying, i am also so angry and resentful at the world that it also bleeds into my marriage. how dare you want me to get better, i think, because i never had a fucking chance to be a person, to make it in this world, to be emotionally stable or normal or even just less bitter. i was doomed from day one, and continued to be failed by nearly every single person that should have helped me, and then on top of ALL OF THAT i surrounded myself with people who understood to some extent and therefore have lost half a dozen people to suicide already. that resentment bleeds everywhere into my life. into everything i do. into everything i love. it's exhausting. i'm exhausted. but i'm so angry and hateful that these things happened to me, that nobody protected me, that nobody stopped and wanted to help a child being sexually assaulted on the regular because it was, what, easier to close their eyes and pretend it wasn't happening? easier to think i was lying? i don't know. i've never known. but i'm so, so fucking angry that i don't know how i'm ever supposed to STOP being angry when he begs me to at least try to let him in.
so i don't know. maybe i'm doomed to be alone, honestly, if i don't want to put in the proper effort to stop having these things rule over my life. it's been so long i just don't know a life without it. a life as someone other than mitzi, the victim. mitzi, whose mother abused her so badly she cut contact at 16 and ran away from home because being homeless would be better than being with her. mitzi, who met a high school boy at 11 who decided that my predicament was easy to take advantage of and raped me repeatedly for almost a year because somehow to me at 11 and 12 it was safer to deal with that than to be at home with my mother. mitzi, whose best friend killed himself, whose best friend killed herself, whose best friend killed herself, who keeps having her friends kill themselves leaving her all alone to grieve. mitzi, who the universe enjoys laughing at so much that on top of all of that gave her a genetic disorder that causes a lot of pain and can never be cured.
i don't know how to stop being the victim. i don't know how to stop being angry that i have been the victim. that these things all just kept happening to me. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know.
anyways, yeah, today sucked.. it's midnight now and i have to get to the research facility by 8am for 10 full fucking hours of treatment testing and i am going to be exhausted and feeling awful bc all the crying and the whole not eating bc of fighting with kyle has given me a killer migraine. woohoo. let's all pray next week is better, yes?
last week's goals? everything but the genshin summer event... damn you ZZZ....
hopes for next week:
- survive. literally that's it just get through the fucking week without hopefully making it worse. i don't think i even have the energy for anything else, honestly.
